


Chances and Lies

by HeavenOnFire



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Declarations Of Love, Fluff, Love, M/M, Romance, so much love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-03
Updated: 2012-11-03
Packaged: 2017-11-17 16:25:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/553554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenOnFire/pseuds/HeavenOnFire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Kaidan was thinking during the night before Cerberus Headquarter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chances and Lies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> This work is a gift for angely15.

**Chances and Lies**

This might be their last chance, Kaidan knew it. Once the attack started, all could be possible. All could be lost.

Some soldiers believed that death was only an illusion. That death would never happen to them or their friends. That death only happened to people they didn’t know or heroes they admire.

But Kaidan knew better. He had encountered death long ago and understood its impact on life. He had suffered under the death of the people he hated and loved. He had watched hundreds go and knew that nothing could be changed once it happened.

That was why he wasn’t wasting this chance. That was why stood before the captain’s cabin with the whiskey John gave him and two glasses in his hands. That was why he didn’t knock.

The door opened before him and Shepard’s frown filled his vision. The Commander looked exhausted and bothered. He looked like a man who needed a rest but didn’t have the time to do so, because the weight of an entire galaxy was on his shoulders.

“Can’t sleep either?” Kaidan asked and already knew his answer. He had spent nights here listening to John’s nightmares and uneven breaths. He had spent nights here running his fingers through John’s short hair and watch him calm down in his sleep.

John looked surprised when his eyes met Kaidan’s. For that little fraction of time, Kaidan was hurt. He had thought that John would know him well enough to guess that Kaidan wouldn’t miss this chance. But it was all about chances, wasn’t it?

Acceptance came quickly to John’s features and Kaidan walked past him. There was no invitation spoken out. Courtesy had become unnecessary between them. No more words than needed, because every second was too precious.

“Making yourself crazy with this won’t help,” Kaidan said and headed for the inner complex. His eyes fell upon John’s enormous bed and pleasant memories made him smile. But tonight, the promise of pleasure was still unsure. There was too much what he wanted to tell John; too much he wanted to share.

“Kaidan.” John’s voice behind him was firm but lacked his usual strength. “I need to…”

“Shh…” Kaidan turned around and opened his arms in a welcoming gesture. He rarely did this for other people because if someone was close, Kaidan would get hurt easily. That was why he was pained that John didn’t want him here. He understood it though. Commander Shepard had never placed his own need before other’s. Commander Shepard never took time for himself.

Too many dark thoughts clouded this moment. Too many lives depended on them. Too many possibilities might become real and too soon, Kaidan would have to leave this place.

“Just take five minutes.” He almost begged. “A quick drink. And then I’ll go.”

He didn’t mean to sound so desperate but he couldn’t help it. John’s smirk gave him strength. It meant that John at least thought that he understood what Kaidan meant. But what did Kaidan mean? What did he expect from a moment like this?

“John.” Kaidan started and handed a glass to the man he loved so much. “You know you’ve done everything you could, right?”

There were too many they had to discuss. Too many things they had to talk about. But at the same time, every minute he spent with talking about the war was a minute he stole from the time that should only belong to the two of them.

He watched the Commander while the Commander watched his data-pad. In this moment, Kaidan couldn’t believe that this man was his. John Shepard meant everything to him. John was his friend, his brother. But the same time, John was also his lover, his future husband. And so much more.

“You know me,” John said eventually and took the glass. “I like to be thorough. Can never be too prepared.”

Kaidan managed a faint smile and looked deeply into John’s blue eyes. They were so beautiful. They were his stars. He admired this man in front of him and loved him even more. There weren’t enough words in his galaxy to express what feelings Kaidan was holding inside his chest. There weren’t enough suns to match the light in John’s blue eyes. And there weren’t one single man Kaidan would rather fellow into Hell.

“That’s why I’m behind you,” he said truthfully and moaned inside. “And why talented people line up to serve under you.”

John took the bottle out of his hand and set it upon the table. The little smirk on the other man’s face reminded Kaidan of a trap he walked in back on the _Normandy SR-1_. He grinned inside. He really hoped that John didn’t notice his wrong choice of words.

The Commander walked past him towards the couch and for a moment Kaidan could smell his scent. He followed John with his eyes and was deeply grateful that he could call this man his love.

“Prepared is the best we can do.” He agreed and walked towards Commander. He saw that smirk again. He knew that John was thinking of a certain kind of preparation. He smiled a little but didn’t give in. He came here for a reason. The very same reason that drove him to John after the _Normandy_ was grounded three years ago. There were the very same words he needed to say right now.

“It’s gonna be…” he stopped. He couldn’t finish. He remembered the time John asked him for these words. Asked him to pull off a good old ‘It’s gonna be okay.’ But today he couldn’t look at John and tell this lie. Instead, he shook his head and gazed into those beautiful eyes. “It’s gonna be what it is.”

War.

There were things that didn’t need to be said between them. Things that always lingered in the back on their minds and could never be forgotten. Things that were too dark that even love couldn’t erase them. But also things that was too bright that no cloud could ever shadow them.

There were misery and laughter. There were missed chances and wining moments. There were goodbye and hellos. There were so many but not enough.

“What are you thinking about right now?” John asked, studying Kaidan.

The Major blushed slightly and chuckled. He lowered his head and glazed back at the man who didn’t seem real but was human all along. The man who was looking at him, searching for an entrance into Kaidan’s mind.

“The good times,” Kaidan said, moving closer. “The hard times. It’s been an unforgettable few years.”

“I’ll never forget the first night we bunked together.”

“Yeah. Of course not,” Kaidan chuckled and felt the heat rise inside him. John was really predictable if it came to such subjects. But he wasn’t complaining. “I…ah, was pretty spectacular. If I remember right.”

“Um-Hmm.”

That finally broke through Kaidan’s mental barrier. His heartbeat rose as vivid images of their first night flashed through his mind. It was a night like now. The eve of battle where Kaidan couldn’t stand the thought of being alone. Of not being with John. The last night he could make a change, say things he never dared saying. Do things he never dreamed of doing and love John the way he had never done before.

He lifted his head and forgot how to breathe. John’s body was too close and his face too beautiful. The dim light cast a bluish shine upon John’s skin and his lips twitched.

Kaidan gasped.

“So tell me.” John’s voice was low and he leaned closer. “How is this kind of distraction supposed to win us the war?”

Kaidan’s pride was hurt. Though he had never doubted John’s intention or affection, being called a distraction was upsetting.

“I’m not a distraction! I’m here to help you relax.” Kaidan’s anger vanished quickly as he understood that John was only teasing him; tempting him a glimpse of the pleasure that awaited them. He leaned closer and moved his hand to touch the back of John’s nape. The heat was delicious. “And relaxing will help you focus.”

John eyebrow twitched higher and a mischievous grin appeared to John’s face. Kaidan’s heart made a jump and his lips met John’s. He closed his eyes and only felt the smooth touch upon his skin. John’s hand was on his waist and its caress made his stomach tickle.

He couldn’t hold on to this any longer. He couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t thinking about John’s body pressed against his. He couldn’t restraint himself because all the passion that boiled under him was about to eat him alive. He pulled away from John and sighed. Then he had to chuckle because he realized that his intension had been clear to John from the first moment.

“I lied,” he said “I didn’t come here for a quick drink.”

John didn’t say anything but grinned broadly. His hands found Kaidan’s shoulders and push him down. The Major gasped because he just couldn’t believe that his life could be that perfect and unsure at the same time.

“You mean a lot to me, Kaidan.” Shepard told him. “I love you.”

Kaidan had so much more he wanted to tell this man but couldn’t find the words. John Shepard was his sun, his star and his moon. John Shepard was the being Kaidan centred his live around. He was caught within John’s gravity, circling around him and bathing in his warmth. John Shepard was the being Kaidan wanted to be close to. Forever.

With all these feelings gathering in him and screaming for release, Kaidan was overwhelmed. “I’ve always loved you. Through all these years. Through everything. And I will till the end of time.”

The kiss John gave him after that was the seal to their promise. The most honest way to express their bound. The kiss wasn’t the last one he would share with this man, wasn’t the last one he would ever receive. But the most important one.

It was John’s way to tell him that that he understood why Kaidan came here tonight. Why Kaidan wanted this moment so badly. That it was not only about what John needed, but also what Kaidan wanted.

But John still didn’t linger. He was pulling back and Kaidan started to miss him. He caught John’s wrist and didn’t let go.

“Hey, hey, hey! Where are you going?”

“It isn’t the time.” John whispered. But inside the Commander’s eyes, Kaidan could see that John begged to be convinced. That he longed for the warm embrace just as much as Kaidan did.

“There might be no other,” Kaidan sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. “Come here.”

“Kaidan,” John breathed out. “This isn’t out last.”

Kaidan couldn’t argue. It wasn’t their last night, but it might be. Once the attack started, everything could be possible.

“I’m not letting you go.” He shook his head.

“Promise you’ll never leave me.”

Kaidan couldn’t make that promise. No one could. “Not on purpose. I’ll promise that.”

“I love you so much!” John finally leaned back in. He placed his face upon Kaidan’s shoulder and slowly breathed out. “No matter what happens tomorrow, know that I _will_ always come back to you.”

“And you should know that I’m always behind you.” Kaidan kissed John’s forehead and closed him firmly in his arms.

He had told a lie tonight. But he didn’t lie when he said that he would never let John go.

Never.

**THE END**


End file.
